You’re never too old to learn. I was at the Navajo Area Indian Health Service Community Uranium Exposure Journey to Healing Health Screening & Education Event in Chinle, Ariz., when I suddenly realized that a group of senior citizens can be louder than a group of first-grade students.
Much louder.
The problem with that is that you can send first-graders to the office. If you’re mean enough, that is.
Apparently, I’m not mean enough. When I first started substitute teaching my wife – who was also teaching – told me to use my “mean face” to keep the kids under control.One day I was called at the last minute to fill in for a first-grade class. Now, having always wanted to be a dad, I figured “this will be great!” It’ll be like living in that “19 Kids and Counting” TV show.
The bell rang to start the school day and I sat behind my desk.
“Okay, children, take your seats,” I said. But the kids kept gabbing and totally ignored me. Okay, I told myself, being nice didn’t work, so it’s time for Mr. Mean.
“Everyone take your seats!” I roared.
It kind of worked. The kids all rushed to a seat; only it was mine.
“Who are you?”
“I’m Mr. Hopkins, I’ll be teaching you today.”
“What happened to Mrs. Manygoats?”
“She was kidnapped by aliens.” (Hey, even a substitute has to amuse himself).
“Can you tie my shoe?”
“Mine, too!”
“And mine!”
Okay, Operation Shoe Tying commenced.
“That’s not how mommy does it.”
“Your mommy does it wrong,” I said. “And, I bet she makes you eat vegetables, too.”
After all the shoes were tied, I again told them to sit down – adding Mean Voice to my Mean Face.
The kids milled about my desk, touching everything.
“Is that your apple?”
“It’s Mrs. Manygoats.”
“Can I have it?”
“It’s not mine,” I said. “I can’t give away something that isn’t mine.”
“Are those your cookies?”
“Um … no … no they’re not,” I lied. “Now, everybody, take a seat!”
“Will the aliens bring Mrs. Manygoats back tomorrow?”
“Only if we leave these cookies for the aliens,” I said. “Aliens love Nutter Butters.”
“I must be an alien, I love Nutter Butters, too!”
“I like chocolate chips!”
Then it was recess time. Perfect, I thought, the kids will get tired running around and nap all afternoon.
Right then, I felt like Rodney Dangerfield. I tell you, I didn’t get any respect. No respect at all. The kids thought my Mean Face was funny, they laughed every time I used it.
I learned that first-graders don’t get tired.
At least the first-graders didn’t use chewing tobacco. Most of them anyway.
A sign in the senior center bathroom in Chinle, Ariz. indicated to me that senior citizens can sometimes act worse than first-graders: Please Don’t Spit Tobacco in Sink or Urinal.