When I first saw the headline, I thought someone had discovered my secret.
“Man Accused of Performing Oral Sex on a Horse.”
What a relief when I learned that the man was Jared Kreft, 30, of Wausau, Wis. As I read further, I realized it didn’t mean the man was performing oral sex while he was riding on the horse.
I’ll pause here. Come back after you’re done gagging. And hopefully, not on a horse.
Poor Jared, I thought. Another Hollywood casualty who fell from grace after those sandwich commercials ended. Then I thought the story ironic, as the horse wasn’t the one with a bit in its mouth.
Jared Kreft was trying to blend in when police arrived at the barn; but he was the only person on the screen wearing a mask and pants with holes cut in the crotch and butt. He also had a pot pipe and a jar of petroleum jelly.
Now, I’m not one of passing judgments, but how ugly do you have to be, if you need to get a horse stoned before it’ll let you perform oral sex?
After blowing through one excuse after another, the suspect allegedly admitted what he had done. He got the idea from watching “horse pornography,” he said.
Horse pornography?
That leaves two unanswered questions: one, who the hell watches horse pornography, and, two, what channel is it on?
Sex is one of the touchiest subjects in America. There’s an inner Puritan inside us all waiting for a chance to bust out the square-toed shoes and funny hats and pin a scarlet letter on anyone having sex.
Look, I understand; after all, I remained a virgin until I was 37. It was by choice. Not necessarily, my choice, though. But sexual gratification isn’t always easy to find.
Take the Florida man who was arrested for sexual contact with a miniature donkey back in September. He apparently wasn’t lying when he said he wanted a little piece of ass.
But it was too easy to blame Jared for being a pervert. I knew there had to be more to the case. Digging deeper I uncovered a growing problem in America.
Tracking down Jared’s alleged paramour, I discovered he was a horse gigolo named Hi Ho Silver.
“Were you in love with Mr. Kreft?” I asked.
“Neigh,” he replied.
It turns out that Hi Ho Silver was a victim, too. He was being forced into the sex trade by a mysterious horse-pimp known on the streets as Mr. Ed.
I was able to secure a meeting with Mr. Ed by pretending to be a ponyphile named Wilbur.
Me: “Are you involved in horse prostitution?”
Mr. Ed: “I prefer to call it ‘horsing around’.”
Me: “Why did you start doing it?”
Mr. Ed: “Look around. There are no good jobs for horses. Either you pull a beer wagon, or you have to run around in the desert with some sweaty, fat guy sitting on your back.”
Me: “Do you have anything else to say?”
Mr. Ed: “Yeah, why are you wearing pants with the crotch cut out. And what’s with the mask … Noooo! Wilburrr!”