Sports are just getting out of hand these days.
The latest victim of the overzealous do-gooders was Philadelphia Phillies relief pitcher Jonathon Papalbon.
After getting hammered during a game – not the kind involving alcohol – an umpire claimed that Papalbon made an obscene gesture toward booing fans and promptly ejected the hapless hurler from the contest.
Papalbon was outraged and denied grabbing at his crotch in an obscene manner; but the umpire would have none of it. Major League Baseball then suspended Papalbon for seven games!
In football you only get two games for knocking out your wife in an elevator, but baseball is stricter. But, come on, seven games for a crotch grab is a bit excessive! I could see the stiff penalty if the crotch you grabbed wasn’t your own.
But if you’re the owner of said crotch, I see no reason why you shouldn’t be able to touch yourself. What’s next? A ban on picking your nose?
Of course the people are all winking and nodding, like, “Sure he didn’t mean it in an obscene sort of way.”
Well I’m here to defend Papalbon – and not just because he was a former star of my beloved Boston Red Sox.
There are many innocent reasons why someone might have to reach toward their crotch in a sudden manner that, to the unknowing, could appear obscene.
So was Papalbon’s handiwork obscene?
Let’s agree that it was awkward; after all it is somewhat difficult to execute a classy crotch grab. Not even Michael Jackson could beat it.
However, sometimes it is absolutely necessary. Maybe a bee stung him as he was walking off the field? A bee in your bonnet is bad enough; so imagine a bee on your fly? No one wants a stinging sensation down there.
Maybe Papalbon had a sudden idea for a new name for the baseball club; from the Phillies to the Philadelphia Feelies?
Maybe Papalbon heard the announcer saying “He was two strikes and three balls on him…” I’m sure you’d want to check as soon as possible to see if you had an extra one.
Papalbon may have been adjusting his cup. I don’t know how many of you have ever worn a cup, but I tried it once and it was extremely uncomfortable. Until I removed the straw.
I’m not a pervert or anything, but I often touch my crotch area just to make sure everything is still there and in working order. Besides, if I don’t touch my own crotch, who else will – for less that $40 an hour? Or so I heard.
So, come on, baseball let’s not be so hard on an innocent crotch adjustment.
No reason to be so crotchety.